For a moment, forgetting the challenge of reflecting intonation in writing. I attempt to ask, which is the proper question? "What is THIS thing called, Love?" Or, "What is this thing called 'LOVE'?" I first heard the former question from a comedian pretending to allude to something private. The implication is that it should, of course, be the latter usage that is appropriate. I still chuckle at the pun. Then again...
When I was in my late teens, I did some not-so-nice things. In my late-twenties and early-thirties, I heard about Positive Thinking. Now, as a 'certain amount of time has passed,' I fully believe in the Lord. I believe and trust that scripture is the Word of God as He chose to reveal Himself. I also came to believe that Positive Thinking isn't necessarily obsolete for a Christian. Consider this...
We are encouraged to engage in a form of 'Positive Thinking' in scripture. Take the book of Philippians, verse 4:8 (ESV), which says (enumeration mine):
"Finally, brothers,
1) whatever is true,
2) whatever is honorable,
3) whatever is just,
4) whatever is pure,
5) whatever is lovely,
6) whatever is commendable,
7) if there is any excellence,
8) if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things."
I must say it sounds lovely (#5) just to be told to think about these things! Gladly!! You got it! But, as I began to ponder, I find the exercise is not so easy. Rather than immediately dreaming and beaming, I find myself asking:
1) What is true?
2) What is honorable?
3) What is just?
4) What is pure?
5) What is lovely?
6) What is commendable?
7) Is there is any excellence?
8) Is there is anything worthy of praise?
I find, then, that the question that is the subject of this post is, in fact, appropriate after all. "What is THIS thing called, Love?" I would LOVE to solicit feedback from you the reader before I expound upon my ponderations. Any takers?
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
When I Don't Know What to Write, I Read What I Wrote
When I don't know what to write, I read what I wrote. When I read what I wrote, I'm amazed at how enthusiastic I was about writing.
Yet, I notice huge gaps of time between my posts on this blog. Huge gaps! My introduction to 'Write to Heal', for example, made it sound like I was going to write every few minutes. But, I did not, as evidenced herein.
Why not? Four reasons stand out:
But, those few are not likely to be the ones most vocal in my life. Rather, it's my perceived judgment of this latter group that scares me. I fear being honest and vulnerable in my writing because I fear repercussions. It keeps me from writing personally and genuinely because I'm too busy validating my own shame based on someone else's opinion of me.
Yet, as time goes by, each day, I realize more fully that I am in Christ, and Christ is in me, and the Father is me, and I am in Him just as Christ is in Him and He is in Christ.
In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. (John 14:20)
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)
The good news is I've gone through various worldly disappointments. I had hoped for deeper earthly acceptance and greater success, but I'm met with little, by worldly standards anyway. This is indeed "good news" because I've learned and still learn not to put my hope and trust in the world.
I've come to accept circumstances that were out of my control, instead of trying to force my preferred result. I've come to accept people for who they are, and acknowledge my inability to change others, instead of trying to force my thoughts, methods, and standards on them.
I thought I needed to be treated a certain way in order to feel loved. I needed to hear my love language spoken. The silence, however, has made me realize, more than anything, that real love comes from God, and I find love in what I give, rather than what I get.
Familiar with Psalm 23? If not entirely, I've pasted it below.
I'd like to focus on just a tiny phrase of just one verse for now: my cup overflows. Here's the ironic thing I learned about love; I feel loved when I love others from a pure heart, and I am able to love others from a pure heart because God first loved me.
Therefore, I've learned, rather, am learning, imperfectly, to seek God first. Know Him. Pray to Him. Treasure His precious words of revelation to me in scripture.
Let His words be my, and your, 'Revelations For Life'. Amen!
Psalm 23:1-6
A Psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Yet, I notice huge gaps of time between my posts on this blog. Huge gaps! My introduction to 'Write to Heal', for example, made it sound like I was going to write every few minutes. But, I did not, as evidenced herein.
Why not? Four reasons stand out:
- I don't know what to write,
- I write elsewhere other than this blog,
- I'm not making and taking the time to write, and
- I'm embarrassed that my journey through life and Christianity isn't perfected and I will be judged by those who know me. This is a big one and a reason for the others.
But, those few are not likely to be the ones most vocal in my life. Rather, it's my perceived judgment of this latter group that scares me. I fear being honest and vulnerable in my writing because I fear repercussions. It keeps me from writing personally and genuinely because I'm too busy validating my own shame based on someone else's opinion of me.
Yet, as time goes by, each day, I realize more fully that I am in Christ, and Christ is in me, and the Father is me, and I am in Him just as Christ is in Him and He is in Christ.
In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. (John 14:20)
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)
The good news is I've gone through various worldly disappointments. I had hoped for deeper earthly acceptance and greater success, but I'm met with little, by worldly standards anyway. This is indeed "good news" because I've learned and still learn not to put my hope and trust in the world.
I've come to accept circumstances that were out of my control, instead of trying to force my preferred result. I've come to accept people for who they are, and acknowledge my inability to change others, instead of trying to force my thoughts, methods, and standards on them.
I thought I needed to be treated a certain way in order to feel loved. I needed to hear my love language spoken. The silence, however, has made me realize, more than anything, that real love comes from God, and I find love in what I give, rather than what I get.
Familiar with Psalm 23? If not entirely, I've pasted it below.
I'd like to focus on just a tiny phrase of just one verse for now: my cup overflows. Here's the ironic thing I learned about love; I feel loved when I love others from a pure heart, and I am able to love others from a pure heart because God first loved me.
Therefore, I've learned, rather, am learning, imperfectly, to seek God first. Know Him. Pray to Him. Treasure His precious words of revelation to me in scripture.
Let His words be my, and your, 'Revelations For Life'. Amen!
Psalm 23:1-6
A Psalm of David. The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Reflection Time!
“It is not about me!” I found myself repeating that phrase to myself a few times on Saturday, my birthday. What a depressing weekend! It started off great at Men’s Bible Study, but went downhill fast when my wife and I started talking about budget-related items. Earlier, the Bible Study leader had invited us to attend a Couples Dinner at the church that evening. We went, almost reluctantly. Bruce McCracken gave an introduction to his Seasons of Marriage weekend seminar. It was convicting at a time I didn’t want it.
Sunday was even worse. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and mostly didn’t. By nighttime, my wife thought I was mad at her, even though I told her how I felt during our little break between Sunday school and morning service at our church (a different one): depressed, like a huge disappointment to my family, and slight headache. I don’t know what to think now. But this is certainly not the time to bring up issues either. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. (This was written yesterday, 2/13.)
“Whether I feel like it or not…” is probably an applicable phrase for me in many respects. “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her… whether you feel like it or not.” “Be anxious for nothing… whether you feel like it or not.” “Pray without ceasing… whether you feel like it or not.” “Confess your sins… whether you feel like it or not.” “Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect… whether you feel like it or not.” “Love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your strength… whether you feel like it or not.” “Love your neighbor as yourself… whether you feel like it or not.” Let feelings be the result, not the motivation. Let His love be the driver.
It complements my earlier statement, “It’s not about me!” But I should not leave it there. It is about Christ! His love will motivate me! Do not grieve the Holy Spirit, but be filled with the Holy Spirit. I love because He first loved me.
Therefore, I am able to love my wife, children, in-laws, regardless of the love I receive back from them. God has pasted the “Here You Are” label to my life and, just as the kid looking at the museum directory sign, I should be astonished that He knows this, and rest in the comfort of His provisions graced to me in my present circumstances.
I should also keep in mind how I would want to evangelize to others. I want to show my reasonableness, Christ’s love, and His assurances. It would be stupid to start with condemnation, commands, and judgments. Yet, that is exactly what I do with my own family: condemn, command, and judge. “Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls,” says Jesus. Lead others to His gentle ways. Let them find rest for their weary souls in Him.
Lastly, just because I don’t feel it doesn’t mean it’s not real. There was a time that His word did not make sense to me. But it was very real nevertheless. Be real. Be genuine. Be useful to Him. Do not bury my talent. Love others with His love, not my own. Soak and baste in His love, then I will have more than enough to give away, and find I love others whether or not I feel loved by them.
Sunday was even worse. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and mostly didn’t. By nighttime, my wife thought I was mad at her, even though I told her how I felt during our little break between Sunday school and morning service at our church (a different one): depressed, like a huge disappointment to my family, and slight headache. I don’t know what to think now. But this is certainly not the time to bring up issues either. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. (This was written yesterday, 2/13.)
“Whether I feel like it or not…” is probably an applicable phrase for me in many respects. “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her… whether you feel like it or not.” “Be anxious for nothing… whether you feel like it or not.” “Pray without ceasing… whether you feel like it or not.” “Confess your sins… whether you feel like it or not.” “Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect… whether you feel like it or not.” “Love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your strength… whether you feel like it or not.” “Love your neighbor as yourself… whether you feel like it or not.” Let feelings be the result, not the motivation. Let His love be the driver.
It complements my earlier statement, “It’s not about me!” But I should not leave it there. It is about Christ! His love will motivate me! Do not grieve the Holy Spirit, but be filled with the Holy Spirit. I love because He first loved me.
Therefore, I am able to love my wife, children, in-laws, regardless of the love I receive back from them. God has pasted the “Here You Are” label to my life and, just as the kid looking at the museum directory sign, I should be astonished that He knows this, and rest in the comfort of His provisions graced to me in my present circumstances.
I should also keep in mind how I would want to evangelize to others. I want to show my reasonableness, Christ’s love, and His assurances. It would be stupid to start with condemnation, commands, and judgments. Yet, that is exactly what I do with my own family: condemn, command, and judge. “Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls,” says Jesus. Lead others to His gentle ways. Let them find rest for their weary souls in Him.
Lastly, just because I don’t feel it doesn’t mean it’s not real. There was a time that His word did not make sense to me. But it was very real nevertheless. Be real. Be genuine. Be useful to Him. Do not bury my talent. Love others with His love, not my own. Soak and baste in His love, then I will have more than enough to give away, and find I love others whether or not I feel loved by them.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
My Love is Given Me
My love is like a rose;
...a rose.
I've been given who I am;
...I am!
Yet no one asks, who knows;
...who knows?
What's with the spotless lamb;
...Spotless Lamb!
...a rose.
I've been given who I am;
...I am!
Yet no one asks, who knows;
...who knows?
What's with the spotless lamb;
...Spotless Lamb!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Right With God
At the end of another Al-Anon meeting, we would all stand in a circle, hold hands, close our eyes, bow our heads, and clearly articulate The Lord's Prayer, King James version. It was a good meeting. I cried at one point because I heard my story. Someone knew my pain. Emotional and spiritual were closely linked experiences, in my mind. Capped off with our usual ending, I used to think that's what made me right with God.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Law of Distraction, Part 1
A few years back, I had heard of the 'Law of Attraction' while networking for my small business. It made so much sense to me back then. I readily believed in the power of forming and holding a strong, clear vision of my goals. "People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan." Of course! The real power came from the accompanying positive, no, exhilerating, emotions. You had to see it plainly and jump-up-and-down feel it as if it were already so.
See what? Feel what? That's where I slumped. While I believed in the 'Law of Attraction', I wanted to incorporate my Christian beliefs into them. I ended up getting in my own way of making these 'Laws' work for me. When I tried to form a vision, material things would seem so vain and the vision would grow dim.
I tried making spiritual goals, yet there wasn't something I could visualize for them. I tried starting out with simple goals: be a writer, publish a book, become a real estate investor, be a loving father and husband, etc. But, the process didn't seem to fit me even though I thought it simply must happen for anyone. It's like the law of gravity: it's just there. Why not use it to your advantage?
I even tried setting a goal that I would become a goal-oriented person. Yet, that was even more like wishful thinking. Rather, God wanted to show me who was really in charge. He did. What an awful time I spent struggling; pretending things would get better; hoping for the break-through that would never come through; and breaking into uncontrollable sobs at my desk in the middle of the work day. I lost hope and despaired.
Years later, in the present, I realize the 'Law of Attraction' was a 'Law of Distraction' for me. In the end, what did I really love? What had become the essence of my life? What was really important to me? Ah! To return to my true love: Jesus Christ. Instead, I had repeated the deadly pattern over and over: I'm healed! Thinking I'm healed, 'now' was the time to fit the normal mold or even the successful mold. But I looked and saw the mold wasn't the one made by my Creator. It was fashioned from the opinions and praises of men. Not only was I distracted, I was deceived, with myself largely to blame.
The journey I am on, which has only recently begun, has been an awakening one, and a true blessing. My heart knows the way Home now, and that way is not man's way. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)
I have seen my attempts to embrace this so-called 'Law of Attraction' to 'get' things out of life crumble. After all, as Max Lucado so clearly reminded me one weekend, it's not about me. Selfishness brought about discipline from my heavenly Father, and that was tough. It was never about me, yet I wanted it to be so bad. Once I embrace that idea, however, that it isn't about me, in my heart, joy abounds. I was blind but now I see! How marvelous are nature's brilliant colors, the shifting lights of a majestic sunrise, beautiful souls in the image of God!
For me, there is no stronger attraction than the grace, mercy, and love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Who else has the words of life? Anything less is a potential distraction. It's law, simple, like gravity. Yet, when He fills my cup, my cup overflows. Indeed, the key to understanding my history is to understand His Story in it.
See what? Feel what? That's where I slumped. While I believed in the 'Law of Attraction', I wanted to incorporate my Christian beliefs into them. I ended up getting in my own way of making these 'Laws' work for me. When I tried to form a vision, material things would seem so vain and the vision would grow dim.
I tried making spiritual goals, yet there wasn't something I could visualize for them. I tried starting out with simple goals: be a writer, publish a book, become a real estate investor, be a loving father and husband, etc. But, the process didn't seem to fit me even though I thought it simply must happen for anyone. It's like the law of gravity: it's just there. Why not use it to your advantage?
I even tried setting a goal that I would become a goal-oriented person. Yet, that was even more like wishful thinking. Rather, God wanted to show me who was really in charge. He did. What an awful time I spent struggling; pretending things would get better; hoping for the break-through that would never come through; and breaking into uncontrollable sobs at my desk in the middle of the work day. I lost hope and despaired.
Years later, in the present, I realize the 'Law of Attraction' was a 'Law of Distraction' for me. In the end, what did I really love? What had become the essence of my life? What was really important to me? Ah! To return to my true love: Jesus Christ. Instead, I had repeated the deadly pattern over and over: I'm healed! Thinking I'm healed, 'now' was the time to fit the normal mold or even the successful mold. But I looked and saw the mold wasn't the one made by my Creator. It was fashioned from the opinions and praises of men. Not only was I distracted, I was deceived, with myself largely to blame.
The journey I am on, which has only recently begun, has been an awakening one, and a true blessing. My heart knows the way Home now, and that way is not man's way. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)
I have seen my attempts to embrace this so-called 'Law of Attraction' to 'get' things out of life crumble. After all, as Max Lucado so clearly reminded me one weekend, it's not about me. Selfishness brought about discipline from my heavenly Father, and that was tough. It was never about me, yet I wanted it to be so bad. Once I embrace that idea, however, that it isn't about me, in my heart, joy abounds. I was blind but now I see! How marvelous are nature's brilliant colors, the shifting lights of a majestic sunrise, beautiful souls in the image of God!
For me, there is no stronger attraction than the grace, mercy, and love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Who else has the words of life? Anything less is a potential distraction. It's law, simple, like gravity. Yet, when He fills my cup, my cup overflows. Indeed, the key to understanding my history is to understand His Story in it.
Monday, February 28, 2011
A Letter to the Lord
In the morning, I usually write my prayers out. Sometimes my prayer is specific, sometimes it's general, and sometimes it's both. I always capitalize words and pronouns that refer to God or Jesus, such as You; my personal preference. (The 'circumstances' to which I refer in this prayer are improved personal finances and church experience.) Here's a small prayer I'd like to share.
Dear Father God,
It is no secret to You that I have longed and prayed and hoped for different circumstances. Your ears are full of my supplications and pleas. Yet, where are the sounds of my gratitude? In everything and for everyone in my life let me be truly thankful. Let me be filled with the Holy Spirit. May I walk in the light and fellowship of Jesus Christ always.
Love,
Dwight
Although this letter / prayer is small, I mean it with all my heart. I will periodically share more, but I wanted to include this so that my readers would know from other posts that I am not without a definite Christian essence. I realize some of my posts seem quite secular and even a little dark. But, above all, I hope to be real here. After all, these are my revelations for life. Life goes on; I struggle, I grow, I change, and hopefully, I mature. God bless you, reader!!
Dear Father God,
It is no secret to You that I have longed and prayed and hoped for different circumstances. Your ears are full of my supplications and pleas. Yet, where are the sounds of my gratitude? In everything and for everyone in my life let me be truly thankful. Let me be filled with the Holy Spirit. May I walk in the light and fellowship of Jesus Christ always.
Love,
Dwight
Although this letter / prayer is small, I mean it with all my heart. I will periodically share more, but I wanted to include this so that my readers would know from other posts that I am not without a definite Christian essence. I realize some of my posts seem quite secular and even a little dark. But, above all, I hope to be real here. After all, these are my revelations for life. Life goes on; I struggle, I grow, I change, and hopefully, I mature. God bless you, reader!!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Here Just Yesterday
The days flew by, I don't know why. They were here just yesterday.
Perhaps I should die, curl up and sigh. Life's lessons are short lived anyway.
My computer is no tutor, 'tis more like a looter, for its appetite flies too quickly.
I'm tempted to cry, but my eyes stay dry. It's too late to avoid turning sickly.
But why can't I write, and put up a fight, for what my heart truly desires?
Confidence, I'm sure, as I grow and mature, is facing my passions and fires.
It's not just an art, it burns in my heart; even the Spirit of life is within me.
It yearns to get out, to whisper, to shout, and tell all it's sweeter than honey.
With purpose I live, my life's mission and give, building upon solid ground.
In thoughts I was tossed, but did not get lost, in words by which I was found.
These days are too short, to sit idly in court, judging how time should be spent.
In the writing I do, giving myself to you, I know every moment was meant.
Such was my life, empty grasping and strife, to experience the worldly decoy.
But now I know peace, love will never cease, flowing in crisp rivers of joy.
More than a tool, writing's a jewel, and lifts my soul to the sky.
To Him be glory, as I write my story, for He is the reason why.
Perhaps I should die, curl up and sigh. Life's lessons are short lived anyway.
My computer is no tutor, 'tis more like a looter, for its appetite flies too quickly.
I'm tempted to cry, but my eyes stay dry. It's too late to avoid turning sickly.
But why can't I write, and put up a fight, for what my heart truly desires?
Confidence, I'm sure, as I grow and mature, is facing my passions and fires.
It's not just an art, it burns in my heart; even the Spirit of life is within me.
It yearns to get out, to whisper, to shout, and tell all it's sweeter than honey.
With purpose I live, my life's mission and give, building upon solid ground.
In thoughts I was tossed, but did not get lost, in words by which I was found.
These days are too short, to sit idly in court, judging how time should be spent.
In the writing I do, giving myself to you, I know every moment was meant.
Such was my life, empty grasping and strife, to experience the worldly decoy.
But now I know peace, love will never cease, flowing in crisp rivers of joy.
More than a tool, writing's a jewel, and lifts my soul to the sky.
To Him be glory, as I write my story, for He is the reason why.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Looking for fun and feeling guilty!
GUILTY!
That's how I feel anyway. I don't even know where or how to start this blog entry. It takes a lot for me to even be here. I feel I should have caffeinated myself last night and stayed up all night to work, like I did the night before. I feel like I should be doing the impossible and working three times as hard without much sleep, if any. Now, because I didn't stay up, I feel overwhelmed thinking I'll never get anything done well with so much to do. Where is my God in all this? Why has He abandoned me to suffer like this?
"If you have so much to do, then why are you...?"
Writing in my blog? Good question. I must be here. At times like this, I must be careful not to give way to negative thoughts and energy. It can be very draining and make it even harder to get anything done. Writing helps bring clarity to how I will approach my day. Sometimes, just the title of a book can be thought-provoking to me. I still have such a book I used for a college course many years ago. I believe it was in English I. The book title is Thinking in Writing. That's what I'm doing here.
"If you are a Christian, then why aren't you...?"
Joyful? Great; more guilt! I'm reading a book with my wife each morning called Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. In it, the author clearly states his case, based on biblical scripture, that suffering is the means by which we bring glory to Christ (and, as a Christian, that is our purpose). We should rejoice in our suffering (James 1:2-3). In contrast, Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about 'cheap grace' in his book, The Cost of Discipleship, which is the grace of the gospel accepted superficially when the love of Christ should change a life radically. There is the avoidance of suffering and the seeking of the comforts of life in cheap grace.
Where is the radical change in my life? Actually, that's what I'd like to know. Sure, I'm suffering through a lot of stress brought about by financial difficulties. But, this is not the kind of suffering I imagine John Piper, or Jesus for that matter, means. (I think of persecution, not prosecution.) Rather, I feel like I'm being tested here. God is testing my faith. Where will I turn when things are tough? Undoubtedly, the devil relishes in the murky despair I feel over of my situation, and gladly pours on the boiling guilt to prompt me into panicky action, promptly neglecting to pray.
Writing is my opportunity to "resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). I am here, writing in my blog, to rediscover my faith and "be still and know that [He is] God" (Psalm 46:10). It is through my writing that I come back to what is important, listen to my heart, and feel inspired and, possibly, be inspirational. Writing is my radical change.
So, how do I feel now? Calmer, much calmer. Confident that God is with me through my suffering, no matter how unbiblical that suffering may seem. I did not write just now because I sought comfort, yet it was comforting. I see now that my suffering for Christ starts with merely confessing Him, and I can certainly rejoice in that. I can wipe my tears of self-pity and make it through another day - with joy in my heart, and praise and thanksgiving on my lips. You, dear reader, have a joyous and blessed day yourself, for "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).
Special thanks to Milli for leaving such a timely comment in my previous entry.
PS - The title of this blog was taken from a line of a Simon & Garfunkel song (The 59th Street Bridge Song) except the original word was 'groovy' not 'guilty'.
That's how I feel anyway. I don't even know where or how to start this blog entry. It takes a lot for me to even be here. I feel I should have caffeinated myself last night and stayed up all night to work, like I did the night before. I feel like I should be doing the impossible and working three times as hard without much sleep, if any. Now, because I didn't stay up, I feel overwhelmed thinking I'll never get anything done well with so much to do. Where is my God in all this? Why has He abandoned me to suffer like this?
"If you have so much to do, then why are you...?"
Writing in my blog? Good question. I must be here. At times like this, I must be careful not to give way to negative thoughts and energy. It can be very draining and make it even harder to get anything done. Writing helps bring clarity to how I will approach my day. Sometimes, just the title of a book can be thought-provoking to me. I still have such a book I used for a college course many years ago. I believe it was in English I. The book title is Thinking in Writing. That's what I'm doing here.
"If you are a Christian, then why aren't you...?"
Joyful? Great; more guilt! I'm reading a book with my wife each morning called Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. In it, the author clearly states his case, based on biblical scripture, that suffering is the means by which we bring glory to Christ (and, as a Christian, that is our purpose). We should rejoice in our suffering (James 1:2-3). In contrast, Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about 'cheap grace' in his book, The Cost of Discipleship, which is the grace of the gospel accepted superficially when the love of Christ should change a life radically. There is the avoidance of suffering and the seeking of the comforts of life in cheap grace.
Where is the radical change in my life? Actually, that's what I'd like to know. Sure, I'm suffering through a lot of stress brought about by financial difficulties. But, this is not the kind of suffering I imagine John Piper, or Jesus for that matter, means. (I think of persecution, not prosecution.) Rather, I feel like I'm being tested here. God is testing my faith. Where will I turn when things are tough? Undoubtedly, the devil relishes in the murky despair I feel over of my situation, and gladly pours on the boiling guilt to prompt me into panicky action, promptly neglecting to pray.
Writing is my opportunity to "resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). I am here, writing in my blog, to rediscover my faith and "be still and know that [He is] God" (Psalm 46:10). It is through my writing that I come back to what is important, listen to my heart, and feel inspired and, possibly, be inspirational. Writing is my radical change.
So, how do I feel now? Calmer, much calmer. Confident that God is with me through my suffering, no matter how unbiblical that suffering may seem. I did not write just now because I sought comfort, yet it was comforting. I see now that my suffering for Christ starts with merely confessing Him, and I can certainly rejoice in that. I can wipe my tears of self-pity and make it through another day - with joy in my heart, and praise and thanksgiving on my lips. You, dear reader, have a joyous and blessed day yourself, for "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).
Special thanks to Milli for leaving such a timely comment in my previous entry.
PS - The title of this blog was taken from a line of a Simon & Garfunkel song (The 59th Street Bridge Song) except the original word was 'groovy' not 'guilty'.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Then & Now and Now & Then
Two years ago, I said I would follow my heart's passion and write more. (Write to Heal) I've written a few entries since then, but this hardly constitutes evidence of my heart overflowing with creativity.
I need to 'fess up. Most of my entries were lessons given, not lessons learned. In 'Write to Heal' I made myself vulnerable and it was appreciated. I was encouraged by the feedback. And I learned a lot.
I recently told my wife I wanted to write again. I needed that creative outlet. She said, and I paraphrase, "Well, you usually write about ideas and stuff. Why not write about you?" She told me the story of another relative who writes and concluded, "Know what I love about his writing? It's real. It's inspiring, but it's really him and things he goes through, good and bad."
I thought, "I could do that." (Actually, I already knew I could do this because I've done it!) I not only felt I was wasting my talent (if I may be so bold to admit to having any), but I was hiding behind it, too. Most of my blog entries here barely scratch the surface. Vulnerability? Nah! It's merely a flesh wound! ("What are you going to do? Bleed all over me?")
Be prepared to squirm. Be prepared to cry and sometimes sob. Be prepared for a genuine belly-laugh. Be prepared for bitter-sweet laughter. Be prepa... - I'm talking to myself, by the way - ...red for open honesty. Be prepared to be scared. Be prepared to love and be loved. Be prepared to be hurt and feel lonely. Be prepared to know real joy and peace.
I want to - scratch that. I will write about my current faith and my childhood experiences; my struggles and fears; my many losses and stupid mistakes; my roles as family, friend, father, and husband; my pursuit of work and desire for play. In the end, I still have hope. In fact, I have more hope than when I started. But not in me, however, in Him. I'll tell you something about that soon, maybe next in my next blog entry. Until then, it's now and then.
Disclaimer - My intention is to inspire others to be genuine, vulnerable, and follow their hearts. In the process of being real, I may offend some. For this, I apologize in advance. Please forgive me.
I need to 'fess up. Most of my entries were lessons given, not lessons learned. In 'Write to Heal' I made myself vulnerable and it was appreciated. I was encouraged by the feedback. And I learned a lot.
I recently told my wife I wanted to write again. I needed that creative outlet. She said, and I paraphrase, "Well, you usually write about ideas and stuff. Why not write about you?" She told me the story of another relative who writes and concluded, "Know what I love about his writing? It's real. It's inspiring, but it's really him and things he goes through, good and bad."
I thought, "I could do that." (Actually, I already knew I could do this because I've done it!) I not only felt I was wasting my talent (if I may be so bold to admit to having any), but I was hiding behind it, too. Most of my blog entries here barely scratch the surface. Vulnerability? Nah! It's merely a flesh wound! ("What are you going to do? Bleed all over me?")
Be prepared to squirm. Be prepared to cry and sometimes sob. Be prepared for a genuine belly-laugh. Be prepared for bitter-sweet laughter. Be prepa... - I'm talking to myself, by the way - ...red for open honesty. Be prepared to be scared. Be prepared to love and be loved. Be prepared to be hurt and feel lonely. Be prepared to know real joy and peace.
I want to - scratch that. I will write about my current faith and my childhood experiences; my struggles and fears; my many losses and stupid mistakes; my roles as family, friend, father, and husband; my pursuit of work and desire for play. In the end, I still have hope. In fact, I have more hope than when I started. But not in me, however, in Him. I'll tell you something about that soon, maybe next in my next blog entry. Until then, it's now and then.
Disclaimer - My intention is to inspire others to be genuine, vulnerable, and follow their hearts. In the process of being real, I may offend some. For this, I apologize in advance. Please forgive me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)