My Love is Given Me

My love is like a rose;
...a rose.

I've been given who I am;
...I am!

Yet no one asks, who knows;
...who knows?

What's with the spotless lamb;
...Spotless Lamb!

Right With God

At the end of another Al-Anon meeting, we would all stand in a circle, hold hands, close our eyes, bow our heads, and clearly articulate The Lord's Prayer, King James version.  It was a good meeting. I cried at one point because I heard my story. Someone knew my pain. Emotional and spiritual were closely linked experiences, in my mind. Capped off with our usual ending, I used to think that's what made me right with God.

The Law of Distraction, Part 1

A few years back, I had heard of the 'Law of Attraction' while networking for my small business.  It made so much sense to me back then. I readily believed in the power of forming and holding a strong, clear vision of my goals. "People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan." Of course! The real power came from the accompanying positive, no, exhilerating, emotions. You had to see it plainly and jump-up-and-down feel it as if it were already so.

See what? Feel what? That's where I slumped. While I believed in the 'Law of Attraction', I wanted to incorporate my Christian beliefs into them.  I ended up getting in my own way of making these 'Laws' work for me.  When I tried to form a vision, material things would seem so vain and the vision would grow dim. 

I tried making spiritual goals, yet there wasn't something I could visualize for them. I tried starting out with simple goals: be a writer, publish a book, become a real estate investor, be a loving father and husband, etc. But, the process didn't seem to fit me even though I thought it simply must happen for anyone. It's like the law of gravity: it's just there. Why not use it to your advantage?

I even tried setting a goal that I would become a goal-oriented person. Yet, that was even more like wishful thinking. Rather, God wanted to show me who was really in charge. He did. What an awful time I spent struggling; pretending things would get better; hoping for the break-through that would never come through; and breaking into uncontrollable sobs at my desk in the middle of the work day. I lost hope and despaired.

Years later, in the present, I realize the 'Law of Attraction' was a 'Law of Distraction' for me.  In the end, what did I really love? What had become the essence of my life? What was really important to me? Ah! To return to my true love: Jesus Christ. Instead, I had repeated the deadly pattern over and over: I'm healed! Thinking I'm healed, 'now' was the time to fit the normal mold or even the successful mold. But I looked and saw the mold wasn't the one made by my Creator. It was fashioned from the opinions and praises of men. Not only was I distracted, I was deceived, with myself largely to blame.

The journey I am on, which has only recently begun, has been an awakening one, and a true blessing. My heart knows the way Home now, and that way is not man's way. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9) 

I have seen my attempts to embrace this so-called 'Law of Attraction' to 'get' things out of life crumble. After all, as Max Lucado so clearly reminded me one weekend, it's not about me. Selfishness brought about discipline from my heavenly Father, and that was tough. It was never about me, yet I wanted it to be so bad. Once I embrace that idea, however, that it isn't about me, in my heart, joy abounds. I was blind but now I see! How marvelous are nature's brilliant colors, the shifting lights of a majestic sunrise, beautiful souls in the image of God!

For me, there is no stronger attraction than the grace, mercy, and love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Who else has the words of life? Anything less is a potential distraction. It's law, simple, like gravity. Yet, when He fills my cup, my cup overflows. Indeed, the key to understanding my history is to understand His Story in it.

A Letter to the Lord

In the morning, I usually write my prayers out. Sometimes my prayer is specific, sometimes it's general, and sometimes it's both. I always capitalize words and pronouns that refer to God or Jesus, such as You; my personal preference. (The 'circumstances' to which I refer in this prayer are improved personal finances and church experience.) Here's a small prayer I'd like to share.

Dear Father God,
It is no secret to You that I have longed and prayed and hoped for different circumstances. Your ears are full of my supplications and pleas. Yet, where are the sounds of my gratitude? In everything and for everyone in my life let me be truly thankful. Let me be filled with the Holy Spirit. May I walk in the light and fellowship of Jesus Christ always.
Love,
Dwight

Although this letter / prayer is small, I mean it with all my heart. I will periodically share more, but I wanted to include this so that my readers would know from other posts that I am not without a definite Christian essence. I realize some of my posts seem quite secular and even a little dark. But, above all, I hope to be real here. After all, these are my revelations for life. Life goes on; I struggle, I grow, I change, and hopefully, I mature. God bless you, reader!!

Here Just Yesterday

The days go by, I do not know why, they were here just yesterday.
Perhaps I should die, give up and sigh, life's lessons are short lived anyway.

My computer is no tutor, 'tis more like a looter, for its appetite flies too quickly.
I want to cry, but dare not cry "bye," because my work provides me no victory.

Why can't I write, and put up a fight, for what my heart truly desires.
For then I am sure, that I grow and mature, in facing my passions and fires.

It's not just an art, it burns in my heart, the Spirit of life is within me.
It seeks to get out, to whisper to shout, to tell all that It's sweeter than honey.

I long to live, my life mission and give, and build upon solid ground.
So let me get lost, and not get tossed, in that by which I am found.

The days are too short, to sit idly in court, judging how time will be spent.
No writing I do, rather leave things to you, may I turn to Christ and repent.

Such was my life, this yearning and strife, to experience the worldly decoy.
Now I know Peace, that shall never cease, flowing in crisp rivers of joy.

More than a tool, writing's a jewel, and lifts my soul to the sky.
To Him be glory, as I write my story, for He is the reason why.

Looking for fun and feeling guilty!

GUILTY!

That's how I feel anyway. I don't even know where or how to start this blog entry. It takes a lot for me to even be here. I feel I should have caffeinated myself last night and stayed up all night to work, like I did the night before. I feel like I should be doing the impossible and working three times as hard without much sleep, if any. Now, because I didn't stay up, I feel overwhelmed thinking I'll never get anything done well with so much to do. Where is my God in all this? Why has He abandoned me to suffer like this?

"If you have so much to do, then why are you...?"

Writing in my blog? Good question. I must be here. At times like this, I must be careful not to give way to negative thoughts and energy. It can be very draining and make it even harder to get anything done. Writing helps bring clarity to how I will approach my day. Sometimes, just the title of a book can be thought-provoking to me. I still have such a book I used for a college course many years ago. I believe it was in English I. The book title is Thinking in Writing. That's what I'm doing here.

"If you are a Christian, then why aren't you...?"

Joyful? Great; more guilt! I'm reading a book with my wife each morning called Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. In it, the author clearly states his case, based on biblical scripture, that suffering is the means by which we bring glory to Christ (and, as a Christian, that is our purpose). We should rejoice in our suffering (James 1:2-3). In contrast, Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about 'cheap grace' in his book, The Cost of Discipleship, which is the grace of the gospel accepted superficially when the love of Christ should change a life radically. There is the avoidance of suffering and the seeking of the comforts of life in cheap grace.

Where is the radical change in my life? Actually, that's what I'd like to know. Sure, I'm suffering through a lot of stress brought about by financial difficulties. But, this is not the kind of suffering I imagine John Piper, or Jesus for that matter, means. (I think of persecution, not prosecution.) Rather, I feel like I'm being tested here. God is testing my faith. Where will I turn when things are tough? Undoubtedly, the devil relishes in the murky despair I feel over of my situation, and gladly pours on the boiling guilt to prompt me into panicky action, promptly neglecting to pray.

Writing is my opportunity to "resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). I am here, writing in my blog, to rediscover my faith and "be still and know that [He is] God" (Psalm 46:10). It is through my writing that I come back to what is important, listen to my heart, and feel inspired and, possibly, be inspirational. Writing is my radical change.

So, how do I feel now? Calmer, much calmer. Confident that God is with me through my suffering, no matter how unbiblical that suffering may seem. I did not write just now because I sought comfort, yet it was comforting. I see now that my suffering for Christ starts with merely confessing Him, and I can certainly rejoice in that. I can wipe my tears of self-pity and make it through another day - with joy in my heart, and praise and thanksgiving on my lips. You, dear reader, have a joyous and blessed day yourself, for "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24).

Special thanks to Milli for leaving such a timely comment in my previous entry.

PS - The title of this blog was taken from a line of a Simon & Garfunkel song (The 59th Street Bridge Song) except the original word was 'groovy' not 'guilty'.

Then & Now and Now & Then

Two years ago, I said I would follow my heart's passion and write more. (Write to Heal) I've written a few entries since then, but this hardly constitutes evidence of my heart overflowing with creativity.

I need to 'fess up. Most of my entries were lessons given, not lessons learned. In 'Write to Heal' I made myself vulnerable and it was appreciated. I was encouraged by the feedback. And I learned a lot.

I recently told my wife I wanted to write again. I needed that creative outlet. She said, and I paraphrase, "Well, you usually write about ideas and stuff. Why not write about you?" She told me the story of another relative who writes and concluded, "Know what I love about his writing? It's real. It's inspiring, but it's really him and things he goes through, good and bad."

I thought, "I could do that." (Actually, I already knew I could do this because I've done it!) I not only felt I was wasting my talent (if I may be so bold to admit to having any), but I was hiding behind it, too. Most of my blog entries here barely scratch the surface. Vulnerability? Nah! It's merely a flesh wound! ("What are you going to do? Bleed all over me?")

Be prepared to squirm. Be prepared to cry and sometimes sob. Be prepared for a genuine belly-laugh. Be prepared for bitter-sweet laughter. Be prepa... - I'm talking to myself, by the way - ...red for open honesty. Be prepared to be scared. Be prepared to love and be loved. Be prepared to be hurt and feel lonely. Be prepared to know real joy and peace.

I want to - scratch that. I will write about my current faith and my childhood experiences; my struggles and fears; my many losses and stupid mistakes; my roles as family, friend, father, and husband; my pursuit of work and desire for play. In the end, I still have hope. In fact, I have more hope than when I started. But not in me, however, in Him. I'll tell you something about that soon, maybe next in my next blog entry. Until then, it's now and then.

Disclaimer - My intention is to inspire others to be genuine, vulnerable, and follow their hearts. In the process of being real, I may offend some. For this, I apologize in advance. Please forgive me.