The gaps between posts on this blog are like canyons in my mind. I set out years ago to express the lessons I had learned and was learning in this life. But, in looking back at this blog objectively, I would have figured the author is pretty ignorant because it's taking months to 'get' anything. In addition, he doesn't know the focus of his lessons.
Ah, but that is not really what's happening. To me, scattering thoughts is okay. The fact of the matter is I have so many things to say I don't know where to start. Yeah, you've heard that one before, right? ("No! Really!" I plead.) What I should be doing is writing to this blog several times a day! (But who's got that kind of time!) Much of the reason for not writing is lack of time. However, I admit that some is hesitation from fear.
Part of my hesitation to write is fearing that once it's written, it's a firm lesson. I can't make mistakes. I may have to defend my thoughts years down the road. I can't contradict my thoughts unless I delete a previous blog post first.
The other part of my hesitation is two-fold: is it important, and is it private? Those are tough questions for me. I often wind up writing a paper-journal entry and forgetting this blog because I sometimes start by complaining about a situation at home or at work. I can't complain about my wife and kids in this blog, can I? Gee! Even revealing that I journal about such things feels icky!
But, there is a very, very important lesson that I have learned and am learning that I want to share. I've been through a lot. I want to connect to people who might be suffering as I did. I'm changing. I want to share my growth with readers as a way to inspire in a similar way that I've been inspired. Most of all, I'm seeking. I long to know my heart's desire(s) and go after it (them).
I'm awfully distracted by the necessary things of this world --I have responsibilities-- yet I'm discovering my real desire is to delight in Him, God, my Father. To me, Psalm 37:4 is circular:
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4 ESV)
At the same time, chasing and even grasping things of this world is becoming more and more meaningless. I want real joy, and real peace, and real contentment in all things. I have found words that promise this very thing in Scripture, the Holy Bible, but not as commonly taught in most denominations. I know there is so much more to the "unsearchable riches of Christ" (Ephesians 3:8) than what is taught in most churches.
Many things, such as the 'prosperity gospel' (think and grow rich, the 'Secret', the 'law of attraction' view of the universe as your genie, positive thinking, etc.) are so cliche to me that they fall into the 'Christian World View' bucket with a plop. I'm sorry, but I'm convinced that there's so much more to life than just getting by, getting ahead, family traditions, celebrations, work, career, routine, entertainment, the arts, self-actualization, being an upright moral citizen, and even Haute Living. This world is a big let-down for me, and now I'm understanding why.
I've been through a lot spiritually. I've tasted different denominations, read commentaries, even studied a bit of theology on my own. I am amazed at how little of this plethora of so-called 'Christian' resources actually seeks to discover what only the Spirit of God can reveal, that is, the 'deep things of God' (1 Corinthians 2:9-10). Yet, that's where I'm discovering the very promises of Scripture are being fulfilled in me.
Am I some kind of nut? Depends who's asking! Sometimes I think I'm nuts, and sometimes I have to respectfully ignore those who think I'm nuts. It's the latter times I find that I'm growing, maturing. In addition, I seek to connect with those who also desire to know the deep things of God. Sometimes, I'm just doing what I have to do, like now: I have to go to a meeting for work.
Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. (Hebrews 6:1-2)
God rewards those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).